To admit an awful truth I have felt like an orphan for 20 years.
I so often feel I am grasping at rainbows that disappear. That the terrible things of the world are my personal enemy. That I have been abandoned and have lost all hope. That I am an orphan in a world beyond my comprehension.
This state of being became my reality the day my mama died. I lost the one person who loved me unconditionally. Who thought I was OK. Who ignored all my faults and loved me fiercely anyway.
Her loss was a reality check on the cruelty of cancer. It left such a huge hole in hearts that my daddy followed her in death a few weeks later.
So I was orphaned as an adult with 3 kids of my own. And I had no idea what I was supposed to do to get myself together. I felt lost. My rock was gone.
What followed were many years of bad choices. And I have paid dearly for that. I effectively self sabotaged and almost ruined the rest of my life.
Not only did I drink like a fish, I also spent money like it was nothing. I tried to fill the emptiness inside with everything except God. Because I was pissed at Him. Absolutely furious. And I acted on that by trying every vice under the sun. Drinking, drugs, Wild sex, gambling, and on and on.
I destroyed relationships, I spent my retirement money, I became certifiably nuts.
Debilitating depression. That is where I landed. So when I finally started looking for the truth about life I had already lost so much. Family and friends. Time, self-esteem Money.
All the basics of a good life had been thrown away. And I was ashamed, miserable and in dire straits financially.
But. (I love that word) But GOD PREVAILS!! He took mercy on me and let me come back home. To Him. My true home. He is my mom, my dad, my friend, my rock.
And my life began again. It didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t just manifest. I was tested and tried at every turn. But. He was faithful. Always there. Always loving me. Always only a breath away.
The hard part was letting go, surrendering, and just Being. I had to learn how to be alive again. I had to allow myself to be vulnerable. It was beautifully terrifying.
And after 15 years I am learning to experience the glory in Gods presence.What a freedom, what joy to become aware that heavenly splendor is on a prayer away!!
All I have to do is let it be. God is still working on me. Day by day I became who I always was deep inside.
Praise his holy name!!!!!