Feeling abandoned

To admit an awful truth I have felt like an orphan for 20 years.

I so often feel I am grasping at rainbows that disappear. That the terrible things of the world are my personal enemy. That I have been abandoned and have lost all hope. That I am an orphan in a world beyond my comprehension.

This state of being became my reality the day my mama died. I lost the one person who loved me unconditionally. Who thought I was OK. Who ignored all my faults and loved me fiercely anyway.

Her loss was a reality check on the cruelty of cancer. It left such a huge hole in hearts that my daddy followed her in death a few weeks later.

So I was orphaned as an adult with 3 kids of my own. And I had no idea what I was supposed to do to get myself together. I felt lost. My rock was gone.

What followed were many years of bad choices. And I have paid dearly for that. I effectively self sabotaged and almost ruined the rest of my life.

Not only did I drink like a fish, I also spent money like it was nothing. I tried to fill the emptiness inside with everything except God. Because I was pissed at Him. Absolutely furious. And I acted on that by trying every vice under the sun. Drinking, drugs, Wild sex, gambling, and on and on.

I destroyed relationships, I spent my retirement money, I became certifiably nuts.

Debilitating depression. That is where I landed. So when I finally started looking for the truth about life I had already lost so much. Family and friends. Time, self-esteem Money.

All the basics of a good life had been thrown away. And I was ashamed, miserable and in dire straits financially.

But. (I love that word) But GOD PREVAILS!! He took mercy on me and let me come back home. To Him. My true home. He is my mom, my dad, my friend, my rock.

And my life began again. It didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t just manifest. I was tested and tried at every turn. But. He was faithful. Always there. Always loving me. Always only a breath away.

The hard part was letting go, surrendering, and just Being. I had to learn how to be alive again. I had to allow myself to be vulnerable. It was beautifully terrifying.

And after 15 years I am learning to experience the glory in Gods presence.What a freedom, what joy to become aware that heavenly splendor is on a prayer away!!

All I have to do is let it be. God is still working on me. Day by day I became who I always was deep inside.

Praise his holy name!!!!!

Post apocalyptic dystopia

What a nightmare I just had! Does anyone else have these life and death, totally chaotic dreams? I am always fighting off the Enemy. In whatever form he is disguised.

In some I am desperately seeking something I have lost. In others I am frantically trying to escape.

Ah, the metaphors! The symbolism overwhelms me. And each nightmare has layers and layers of innuendo.

Most of all, I believe that I am being warned that the hell I had always imagined is real.

On the flip side I am reminded that heaven is real also. So real I can tase it at times.

Choose well, my friends, choose well.

Two meanings for resolutions

I am reminded this morning as the New Year is approaching that resolve can represent a decision to be proactive or to add but also can mean to give something up.

I have almost an equal amount of determination to give up certain “things” and behaviors as I have things to add to my life to embellish it during the coming months.

Change is difficult, whether it is positive or negative. We have an innate fear of change.

It takes 21 days to adjust, but much longer for a behavior to become automatic. Generally it takes 66 to 76 days. That’s the reason for so many 90 day self-help programs.

So whether I am taking away or adding to my experiences I hope and expect to experience a big change by my birthday (March 10th). Exciting!

However, as I have learned many times before, I have to break it down to 24 hours at a time. I can do just about anything for 24 hours.

By the Grace of God the 24 hour rule is why I remain sober, sane and reasonably happy today!!

Magnifying God

“He must become more important while I become less important.””

‭‭John‬ ‭3:30‬ ‭GNT‬‬


In lifting up God I lift up my soul.

Magnify: to make more exciting;  to intensify

Enlarge elevate exalt

To experience the divinity of God we have to give Him a prominent place in our lives.

Am I getting out of my own way, as I should be?

Do I make God >

And myself <

Ponder on this

Peace out

Revelation in a dream

“‘This is what I will do in the last days—I will pour out my Spirit on everybody and cause your sons and daughters to prophesy, and your young men will see visions, and your old men will experience dreams from God.”

‭‭Acts‬ ‭2:17‬ ‭TPT‬‬


I am still quivering. You know how sometimes a dream is so lucid that you cry out even while asleep. That you are so terrified that you can’t move? I just had one of those. I woke myself by screaming.

But underneath the horror of the dream was a revelation. I AM good enough. To be a daughter of the Almighty God. To be an authentic friend in a crisis, and every day.

And in return I have so many people in my life that if I said “come” they would say where? True friends love unconditionally. I do not see or even speak to several of these friends more than a couple times a year. But I am well and truly loved. God has put some wonderful people in my life, family and friends alike.

And HE is always and forever there for me. NO MATTER WHAT! I have been so desperate, so beat down at times that I was ready to give up. And I heard God say “come”.

And sometimes I fly to his arms, darker days I wallow in my misery for a while before I respond. Unfortunately that is part of the human condition.

I truly believe, after careful consideration that I have an abundance of friends I can count on. And that, my friends is an astounding revelation for me.

Over the last couple of years I have let go of some “friendships” that were not serving any purpose in my life. But I have carefully selected new friends, and in this case I believe in quality over quantity.

So my question to myself today is am I holding up my end of friendships?

Proverbs 18:24  

A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Those are the friendships I want to cultivate in 2019.